I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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