Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
