If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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