i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
