Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
