I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
