I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
