I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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