The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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