I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
