you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
