the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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