Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
