last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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