I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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