How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my shit smells like andre
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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