hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
