I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
