I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
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Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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Everyone says I win the strip club
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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