I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
a search helicopter?!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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