You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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