Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
