theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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