with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
