Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
