Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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