take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
