The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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