just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
