Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
