some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
