I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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