New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
