I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
