Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
