there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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