Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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