I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
