Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
