I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
