Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
