They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
