I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
