I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
