shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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