Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
