Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
