what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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