four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
