Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
