I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
