my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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