Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
