is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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