Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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