I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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