I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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