Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
sarcasm needs its own font
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This is classic penis vs brain.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
