I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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